Memoirs of my departed crush!!!

Two events last night made me to remember her…

One of them has to be my friend Archie’s blog on singers and the other one was the video I happened to see on MTV …

It brought back the memories of 1995. Till then I always listened to songs but never really had a favorite voice that I used to listen often.
Mom had many favourite singers, but for me I was just about listening to songs that pleased my ears.
I remember in 95, Anupama Verma did a video for Biddu. The song and video somehow became my favourite. I got the CD few years later as a gift for buying an audio player. Guess, I got loads of collections of pop Indian music and this album was placed right after Alisha’s “Made in India” in the gift wrap.
I wasn’t aware it was the remix version for 3 years running since 1995. I was in love with the song more than the video. I know Anupama Verma was hot that time (she looked great in last year’s Big Boss as well), but it was the voice that kept me interested. My usual funda after watching Alisha, Anaida, and other female pop singers was, Anupama Verma to have sung this song.

Till I got hold of the CD and to my surprise, it wasn’t Anupama Verma who turned out to be the singer. I didn’t know much about this singer.
I asked my brother about her, he mentioned couple of movie references… most notably Qurbani made in 1980’s starring Feroz Khan, Vinod Khanna and Zeenat Aman. Hmmm, I loved those songs and when I listened to the Qurbani album all over again, I could connect the voice.

I am talking about the Pakistani Sensation, Nazia Hasan.
Well to be honest, I never wanted to know about her life except that I was fida over her voice and especially ‘Boom Boom’ song.

I didn’t have Internet that time and even when I had an opportunity in late 90’s, searching about Nazia Hasan was not the priority considering the amount of money I was spending on Internet café.

In 2000, I had got a collector’s edition copy of Film fare that listed all the previous winners starting from 1950’s when the award was instituted.

In the archives, Nazia Hasan – 1980- Best Playback Singer, and later that day I got to know she was born in 1965. I was like wondering the whole day, she was as old as me, when she picked up the award.

Later, I saw the picture of hers, and; I was so attracted to her…. I said to myself “Man, I am sure, she is not going to go out of my memories.” She will be there, I was a big fan of her voice but now I was a big fan of her in total. You can call it crush if one wants for my fascination towards Nazia.

These are the few pics; that will last forever within me

All I had listened, was remix songs of hers barring few originals.

In 2000, came a song – sometime in May during my holidays…. I remember the song that goes this way “Aankhen Milane wala…”. I knew it was Nazia Hasan’s voice.

Sadly, few months later, I got to know she passed away. That was one of the days, wherein we had our colleges shut because of Rajkumar’s kidnapping episode and when I heard this news for the first time, I was totally shocked and I expressed my dissatisfaction to my brother, who was equally hit by this news.

She continued to live on….memories of many like me.

Sometime, in 2003, when MTV was showcasing a special program on retro music I happened to see a video of Rati Agnihothri (audio was muted because of phone conversation I was having). I just ended the phone call and what I hear, Yes, the familiar words… Boom Boom….
I was like, OMG, is this the original song? All I got was last 40-50 seconds of that song. Of course the saving grace was the movie title that appeared in the end. The movie name was” Star”.

I happened to see the video later that week. Maybe, I was destined to see because; I was so desperate to see the original video.
As soon as I got the taste of the original, out went Anupama Verma’s remix song. From that day, till date, I love the original and continue to so.

Thanks to You Tube, I can have this song – Infact, I have tried many video shops for this movie… I wasn’t lucky. Considering the money I spend on buying movie DVDs, I must admit, this, as a big failure on my part.

Today early morning after a goof up with respect to surprising one of my friends on his birthday, in turn he surprised us and that made me sit at home rather than barging our way to his house early in the morning. I was bit sad that I couldn’t wish him in personal (which I have done over past many years). Anyways, just had a laugh for what happened.

After a while, from no where, I was thinking about Nazia, and wondered, “I haven’t seen many people of my age appreciate Nazia’s talent.”
While the song ‘Boom Boom’ is playing on my player, I am giving the final touches to this, on one of the most fascinating women I have known, never mind if it wasn’t in person. Afterall she was just 35.... when she said.... Alvida....

For more info - www.naziahassan.co.uk

A serious gab while we were in the cab

On my way back home, I was asked few questions with respect to relationship and how one needs to be, in order it to be a success.
To be fair, I did not quite sail on similar lines but there was an interesting angle which she was pointing out.

While walking back, after this conversation, I did ponder over few things…….
I know there isn’t any formula (universal) for things to work.

Professionally, we have raised standards to such an extent that nowadays, professional life is making its way into our personal lives.

Professional Standards have increased, because of competition; I am not sure about personal standards even though there is no dearth of competition.

Change is essential but I am emphasizing the world evolution here. Are we evolving better emotionally from our previous generations.
This question is quite a tricky one, to prove this theory, we have to solve problems or handle problems of the past in a better way and I am sure we would all be solving it quite easily. So we have evolved to cope better.

But, what about adversity, problems, crisis etc

While puzzles are created by men, the solutions are also provided by us. In that sense, even our problems would have evolved.

We can never overtake a problem, coz once we overtake it, it ceases to exist.

We follow a problem or be par with it. So it’s relatively constant between the degree of problems and its solutions. Problems might sneak a little ahead.

In any case, those were just my thoughts….. Before having dinner

Back to the scene @ Cab

She asked:

“You knew this girl well, so your life would have been great, staying with someone whom you know well?”

I didn’t completely agree with her assessment.

Yes, it’s a comfort zone to know a person, but it isn’t always the case that one’s life will be great just because we end up marrying the girl we know. It can be made great mutually by exploring many facets of life and with exchange of information.
I believe the whole life isn’t enough to understand a person or infact to understand ourselves, so one cannot conclude this will be the way to go about in life.

She shot back another salvo at me:

“Ok, at this moment you are busy with work, surrounded by friends, meeting new people. At the end of the day, don’t you feel lonely and miss this person with whom you can share your personal space.”

Fair point, yes, I did miss at times, and I am being honest here. But one cannot continue like this. I have chosen to go ahead and accept things as they come rather than crib about the whole incident. One has to live with reality and accept them gracefully. In a way, the special person might come in the future and it’s not like we are never gonna get a partner.

She was in a mood to ask me more:

“When the new person comes, comparisons come in and one constantly keeps comparing the new one with the old one. Isn’t it tough and one will surely regret if the new one doesn’t match up. And can she fill the void?”

I don’t agree. Because looking at my life, I feel I have thrived when I was out of my comfort zone. Never felt my life was a walk in the park for a long time. I had challenges and had to fight many internal battles to concord with my principles of life. Yes temptation is there to go back to the departed soul, but when one’s instinct doesn’t want it, it doesn’t matter if the other person wants it or not. Also, I hate being regretful and mostly I avoid such situations by giving my best shot and giving others ample time to take decision. This is not fixed and it depends person to person. Unless its extreme situations, I might re-consider because I hate adamancy in such issues. In any case, I am not missing her…. One has to move on… I can’t stop here… Can I?

Well, she wasn’t gonna stop this conversation:

“Can she (new one) fill the void…?”

I feel one cannot fill the void created by a fellow human being. It’s the name that can be filled not the role. I feel my mom can act as a mother to certain people who are misfortunate to have lost their mothers. But my mom can never replace them. Similarly, each one is unique and each one has a different role to play. Smart people appreciate the presence of different people in their lives and acknowledge them for their unique brilliance rather than drawing them into a circle of their own thoughts.
I am sorry, I can pretend or all can pretend but no one can replace. If at all, replacement can happen, then, is there any value for the previous one?
Is there any value or respect for mother or god, if mothers and Gods could be replaced?
Is there any value if your best sets of people are easily replaced?
Mother is not born, she is created. A woman becomes a mother only when child is born. I know motherly feelings will be there and one need not give birth to a child to become a mother. But I hope you do understand what I am emphasizing.

In life, like mother, each one has different roles…… And I feel it is disrespect to a concerned person if she is being replaced emotionally by the other one. Instead of looking for similarity, why don’t we look at the uniqueness as long as it’s keeping us and the concerned person happy?

I look at it this way, and I continued…….

Now, I believe the whole professional set up has lot to play with our emotional values.
I was on leave for a week; a certain work was supposed to carry out, but didn’t happen due to my absence. My boss wasn’t unhappy, but felt, there needs to be a system, wherein we aren’t dependent on any individual while he is absent. Every work must happen irrespective of the concerned person is present or not.

Fair enough, after all its business and its good for one’s ego to know, I am important.
But professionally, I agree, dependency will ruin the progress and stall the growth of a company. Hence a company must never depend on individuals and rather depend on a system.

Unfortunately, like humans aren’t perfect, Will the human created systems be perfect?

I continued,

Will it stall our growth personally when we depend on someone? Can there be a system wherein you can replace the people one is missing?

She was waiting for me to give the answer for this question.

… I feel facing the harsh realities of missing someone and how one overcomes it, is the definition of life. At least, I love it that way and I have learnt to live better that way. Life isn’t always living with people whom we know; it is also a platform in which we are fortunate to know the people unfamiliar to us. This gives me a chance to acknowledge many people whom I have known and their different methods of leading their life.

It is this journey that one needs to enjoy and keep going forward. It is this story of one’s journey which can awake the somniferous people and de-motivate others.

After all, it is a matter of choice. Although, we weren’t given a choice of our birth location, status, colour, race etc. But we are given choices to undo things or do things that one wants.

“Hey, I would love to continue this topic with you….. “- Her stop had come

She got down….

Few minutes later, I got down….

As I reached home, I did realize two things. Life is full of tautologies and contradictions.

And please, I stressed to myself; do not mix one’s professional life with one’s personal life. The standards and expectations are quite different.

Remember Street Hawk??

Back in 2006, Anu and myself had the privilege of hosting a quiz to select the best team in college. Its called ‘Funda-mental’.

Any fact, which was appreciated, would just be acknowledged as ‘fundae’ with a generous clap. Being a part of RV QuizCorp and its rich tradition, was just one of my dreams. It did come true.

Ask any quizzer when he sets the questions, all he wants is his questions to be appreciated, never mind it being cracked by the junta. And he must be able to keep the audience involved.

My favourite topic was Sports, Entertainment (remove some rock music) and India. I didnt mind myself being binged with facts that came my way. There was alacrity to know more in the avenues, which I was good at. Along the way, this also became a great way to burgeon my quest for knowing more facts across the world.

When I was conducting a quiz, all I wanted in return was a clap from the junta and appreciate the questions or so called ‘fundas’. This was the ultimate reward not just for me but also for all my fellow quizzers.

To come back to the history of QuizCorp, I just don’t have much to say. Lots of legends have come and conquered in RV College and all across India with sheer ruthlessness and at the same time made quizzing look more interesting and more enjoyable. (http://www.rvquizcorp.com/)

In 2004, I participated in my first fundamental. Myself, Viren and Keith after a 16 round marathon quizzing finished second overall. (It was a surprise; big occasions always brought the best in me). It was indeed a big thing as there were many good quizzers around us. At times, I always felt, it was in me to step up or step down in company with my teammates. To be frank, I was never good at solo quizzing except for sports.

Team spirit brings the best in me in terms of cracking the fundas.

The tradition was: The winner’s of fundamental get to host the next edition. Sadly, for 2 years after 2004 it never happened.

So I thought, maybe I will start this thing again. Anu was more than happy for this. To me, he is the best quizzer I have seen. I have seen a lot of seniors who come close to him or probably are ahead of him in some respects, but in what I have seen, never I have witnessed the sheer ruthlessness he exhibits when it comes to solo quizzing and any quiz for that matter. (He used to crib about Sports and India at times but most times he got it right whenever required)

Coming back to the pivotal point - Since kid, bikes fascinated me and I was cloyed with bike shows that came on TV. One happens to be Street Hawk starring Rex Smith.

It started in 1985, but my memory clearly points to late 1992 till 1993 when I was watching this show on Doordarshan. It was on Saturdays @ 930 pm, no matter what, I never missed this show.

Sadly this show ran for 13 episodes only. One of the reasons can be pointed to David Hasselholf’s convoluted machine called ‘Knight Rider’, the one that could talk.

To be frank, that show never appealed me and for me Street Hawk is way above Knight Rider.

While setting any quiz, I make sure I dedicate my favourite people, team or anything in some way or the other. I wanted a question on Street Hawk for this edition of fundamental. I had the photos of the designs of the bike, but I knew deep down this would be ‘arbit’ (too vague to crack).

One of the highlights of Street Hawk was its intro, which always stayed in mind. There it was, one I wanted to put it.

I played this to Anu; he was like Man, where did you get this…

There you go, I knew this question would be a hit. More importantly, I wanted to bring back the lost memories of this great show among the junta.

Very few cracked, but all appreciated this question.

Appropriately, this Quiz was titled 'Dedications' - Dedication to all the Quiz Corpers

That day (12th Sep, 2006), Anu started downloading this show from Bit Lord. Its 7 and half GB. He tried for a year until his comp gave up last month when he had to change his entire system.

I know, he wanted to present the entire show as my birthday gift; at least that’s what he claims. Never mind, I am going to buy this DVD and this will be placed in my collectibles.

Just to end, check out the video and of course the theme for this, which still continues to be my track when I want to get ready for bigger and greater challenges ahead.

The theme is by Tangerine Dream.

Survivor

It was not the same day compared with others recently, as I reflected upon few things. Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind towards some resolution, which it may never find… I read these lines in a book…

Things have changed to an extent that Karma has started inspiring certain people. I am a great believer of the fact that, one has its own destiny and Karma is truly what I believe in.

Situations encountered over past few months where in I am not allowing the so-called other’s to enter and at times when ever opportunity presents, I panicked and I fled. Because in almost liking someone else I felt disloyal to the only one so far I ever loved.

But with time, I did realize, how much longer could I live this way, forever on my guard lest human feelings catch me unaware?

Freud-himself- once said that for the little things in life we should, of course, react according to our reason.

But for really big decisions, we should heed what our unconscious tells us.
Well not every time.

With time, I have tried many things so far, just to confront as to who I am.

I was wondering, what life would have been if certain things didn’t change? All I say, even I would have been alive.

At times, I am agog with the way things are in life. Also, I feel lonely at times, but there is something that keeps me going.

Maybe it is some sort of inspiration from few friends. And how they overcame the asperity thrown to them. Or it might be lyrics of my favourite songs and or certain pod casts that I have kept for myself when I get bugged. Books help a lot, movies too and trust me talking to people also does. There are many sources for inspiration.

But I like to challenge myself to overcome on my own fighting it out within.
At times, its ambulatory, eventually things do pick up very quickly.

In Pursuit of self-found happiness, I ensure I am not bedizened with false optimism.

Early Morning, or late in the night, I was always fascinated with the thought of everyone being a survivor in this world. Somehow, people survive. Whether we like it or hate it, they just survive.

With some maxims (not the one’s I collect) people tend to move irrespective of the direction.

I might be young, callow in most things, but I am getting an opportunity in life to cross off many things.

Past one year, life has made me to float with confidence and it has also made me come down. It’s just that, my understanding to these subtle changes has become microscopic through my own eyes and inner voice.

These words hit me most of the time…I mean inspire…

Risin' up, back on the street Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

So many times, it happens too fast
You change your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

Face to face, out in the heat Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street
For we kill with the skill to survive

Risin' up, straight to the top Have the guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop
Just a man and his will to survive

I agree the rival is within me and no one else. External rivals are so superficial. That’s just to spice up this life game.

The below video is of course that of my idol, Rocky Balboa and how challenges keep coming at him when in fact he is enjoying his life. Champions are tested all the time, in that sense, I wouldn’t mind being tested at all rather than resting on my laurels.

The song- Of course by Survivor

The First Anniversary

Its one year.

I would love to say that, time flew. On this occasion, i would like to dedicate few things which kept me motivated to write about certain adventures which i experienced and to my friends who commented on my writings.

Yesterday, i happened to meet my friend Saagar's mother. Somewhere during our conversation, this blog thing came up. When i showed her my blog, i realised, my first writing was posted on 12th of Jan, one year back.



Origins:

Till Early Jan 2007

This blog was as a result of impulsive talks and hearings that i used to have along with my few friends. I knew i had something to say, not necessarily the best thing, but i had something. I got lot of things to hear about their experience and adventures.

My bro Anil, had flew from States for a quick vacation. We have conversations on gamut topics and suddenly one day, he told me a story about a person and him writing about what he feels.

I told him, 'i do that'.

In public, on the net? , he asked.

'Here's the point, its good to express things on a wider scale. Somewhere in the future, it will be a very good indicator about one;s journey in this life and things experienced.

I was writing in a diary, few days later decided to start writing on the net.

I was worried about the content and the audience i am catering to.

Well, this is not a commercial medium, atleast for time being. This medium should serve as a catalyst to express things according to my perspective.



The Metamorphosis:

Slowly, i liked sharing my adventures, my challenges, my shortcomings and how i overcame.

I do claim, it is semi-autobiographical, inspiration from my fictional heroes, and not to forget the people whom i have met so far were the main elements on this blog.

Well, special thanks to my mates who took some time off and happen to read this blog.

I feel in the end, this blog is an interpretation of life from my eyes and other sense organs. Liberties were taken, and all i achieved was to satisfy certain things within me.

Tough thing is to satisfy oneself, i did realise this.

I have changed, during this course of my blogging. And will continue to.

Change for good? C'mon give me a break, afterall, life's just an adventure and as long as the self conscious is in feel good terms, does it matter defining what good or bad is?

Till next time,

The Fear Factor!!!

Last week, mundanity returned as I started my journey (I love to call this 2km walk early morning as journey) after a long hiatus. My scheduled journey was interrupted by my travel visits to Goa, Kolkata and Chennai thrice. The wanderlust bug always coincided with my morning walks.

The weather is getting chill, as we approach the mid winter, but still that doesn’t hinder me to get out of my house at around 3 50 early mornings.
Usually, I take the main roads but the shortest route to my stop involves a narrow lane.

I have heard stories in various parts of Bangalore about dog menace. Since I love this shift timing when compared to ‘general shift’, I don’t mind waking up early.

There are reasons which motivate me to get up early. First thing would be, ‘I am a loser if I do not get up, Let what people thing about me being zany, but to me, I would be one loser and ultimately, if I don’t live up to my expectations, does it matter satisfying others in the long run?

I like taking weird routes at times, early mornings provide me an opportunity to walk in dead silence. Since, my house is on the main road, silence is premium which we hardly get. So it’s a good thing to walk through the mist, albeit cool breeze can sometimes be too tough to handle. Nevertheless, we are humans and we have evolved and adapted to various conditions, so more exposure, we shall be alright.

I prefer talking during the next few minutes about how I want my life to go. It makes sense to me to hear what I say since no one around me is making noise. If I am bugging myself, I simply count the steps I take and I ensure over the week, I would have reached a constant number while counting. This is just to ensure how concentrated I am for a particular task when gamut topics and issues are competing to finish ahead in the brain marathon.

I am awake when the whole world is sleeping, % wise, I am correct with this statement. I am walking when others are tired or just about enjoying their sleep. I am getting a chance to utilize this morning to make suitable changes in my life and be better at things which I believed was good previously. I am getting a chance to utilize these early hours to my advantage and finish things which in turn makes me feel as though I have gained time on others.

Ok, enough of me being explicit on why I like early mornings.

The fear element is there, at times, in the past I have chosen different roads to reach since the road ahead were patrolled by dogs occasionally.

I fiddled around four different ways before settling on to the least risk path. Mind you, I was scared one day when group of dogs were just barking as though they haven’t opened their mouth in a long time.

It reached a point wherein the least risk path was also getting affected. Now I loved this road and route. So one day I decided, ‘Its karma’, if I am suppose to be bitten by a dog, I cannot avoid. Slowly I started walking past them, goose bumps all over my body as I went passed them.

Woof, what a relief. The other side of fear is freedom.

Last week, a ferocious dog, just one, was barking and staring at me simultaneously. It was scary. Two seconds, I decided to walk straight without bothering what it might do.

It started barking more, but I was marching ahead without looking at it.

Barking intensity increased but I could notice, it was moving backwards and barking.

Now, I was looking at the dog and approaching it, it was moving backwards and barking. It stopped finally and ran away, stopped and as I went past it, it didn’t do anything.

Am I lucky??? You can club me into that category.

But I would like to look at it this way.

The rest of my walk was more on thinking as to why dog behaved this way.

‘Fear was – Being bitten by the dog.’

Last year, fear was, climbing Mount Abu but I overcame it by facing that fear of losing than avoiding it.

To be frank, I faced fear and started walking towards it. Now all I can think of is,

Exposing to the unknown. I always felt, I feared when I encountered a new situation and fear element was as a result of many uncertainties involved pertaining to what if this new thing goes wrong.

Now, same applied to the dog, when dog barks, normal reaction would be to back off and go backwards or runaway fearing dog bites. Now, this is what a dog expects.

I did completely opposite and to my surprise, I saw dog moving backwards and eventually ceased its ferocity as I kept marching. It was exposed to a zone of uncertainty and hence fear element would creep, so it was confused as to what needs to be done, and by the time it decides, I was through……….

So, in a way, this did give me to understand what ‘Walking towards fear rather than away’ actually meant.

It’s a nice story isn’t it? The one in which I emerged victorious. Things could have been different if dog would have behaved badly or I encountering a mad dog.

But, I always feel, as a student of life, one needs to look at it in all respects, so this time I was convinced ‘You can walk towards your fears and emerge triumphant’. Next time, it may or it may not. But I am happy that I did something different than last time and it worked.

I got reminded of a quote from Anne Frank:
“The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.”

Well, this was just an experience I wanted to share as to how I experimented with my life when same situation encountered. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.

Ok, my journey to work is about 90 minutes which is enough for me to catch up on sleep to and fro which makes me sleep at the same time others or in general majority of people choose to sleep.

So what can happen to me tomorrow????

Let’s put it this way….. I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today and never been in such deep love.

It will take some time to pull off those lines in full conviction, but effort has to be made and what better day than today and the best time would be now……….

Om Shanti Om

Fortnight ago one Sunday, I watched OSO (Om Shanti Om). To be frank, quite a mundane movie. The good part was the '31 Stars' video and Deepika Padukone. Overall, it was a time pass movie. I dont want to criticise this movie because it is a super hit (that's what public says).
Well, Farah Khan does know what it takes to make a hit movie. People with no expectations would have appreciated this movie much better. Overall, a slight improvement over her previous movie, Main Hoon Naa. I guess, some people just know what clicks in this ever vacillating film business.

The highlight of the movie: People who have watched tend to agree with. In a parody of Filmfare Awards, there is a nomination of Best Actor category. Akshay Kumar gets his nomination in the movie 'Return of the Khiladi'. The rushes shown were just too brilliant. Watch this video

Now Watch this : This one's my favourite

The Above video is from the 2003 Swedish Movie 'Kopps'. Well, OSO was not just about Indian cinemas of yesteryears relived, but a touch of international as well.