Meet My Inner Voice

End of a very good week, especially intellectual on personal terms and a good week at work too.

I discovered a lot of things about myself over past one week by introspection and how to improve things so that I can get the joy of seeing others around me happy.... if I am not all that happy.

Somewhere I was thinking, by being nice to someone else, is it me being selfish??
Then it confused me for a while, and then inside me, a voice kept telling
... "Do you feel bad about the way you behave in your life or say
any regrets",
I said "NO".....
"Do you feel bad when you do not get acknowledged for the efforts you have
put in", the inner voice asked me...
"I said, sometimes I do feel bad, because I really don't know whether
what I did was right or wrong and since there is no reply from the
other end, hence no feedback, so I get confused at times, I then go into the phase of introspection and actually I don’t feel that bad at the end of it, if its good, good, if its bad, scope for improvement"

Later the voice asked me" Do u feel at peace and joy when you see
others happy and being joy"
I said" Yes, sometimes I feel, the purpose of me being born is to make
others happy and seeing their smile and them being happy, I will be happy,
No doubts about that, making others feel comfortable and happy is my
driving force"

He asked me" What if you are trying to please people?"
I said" Oh I got it! It’s my instinct which drives to make others life
happy, as long as this instinct survives and receives proper fodder
for survival, it is gonna be ok..... Being a human, it is little tough
sometimes, but then the overall picture comes to my mind, I just think,
I shouldn't be bothered about trivial things, my life is gonna be
great in the path I am traveling now, all I need to do is stay where
I am and just move along the same road.

There will be many pot holes and speed breakers and many different roads, but it is entirely up to me to become aware of them so that I don't lose my way when I arrive
at a junction, this is where I will be meeting many beautiful and not
so beautiful people, there is something I feel I can do by being
myself, so that I can cheer other’s life for a moment when they
desperately need it, but they never asked for it.

The joy I get when I see others being happy, I feel content and if lucky they are gonna be my companions for the rest of my life, if not, its unfortunate that we
just met at a traffic signal or say at a junction or a pit stop.
There will be many such occasions where we all gonna bump into each other
and get a chance to review, if at all we can become companions again or we might not get a chance.

But sometimes, I thinking of a junction ahead than about the junction I am
at present is not all that good. One needs to enjoy one junction at a time
and then progress further, you never know, Kal Ho Na Ho.

But it’s worth giving a shot, there’s nothing to lose. By giving away
something of one’s is never losing, we lose things which were not at
all ours in the first place, but how superficially it appears all the
time?"

The voice said" Enough of your lecture man, when you know what
needs to be done then why you pestering me with such questions?"

I said" Just for kicks, that’s all..... To be frank it’s for a moment I feel I need someone who can comfort me with words and assure me that “everything is gonna be alright”, and make me understand the person I am, sometimes I lose track on such things and start thinking too much, that’s when the calming influence is necessary, but this is just a passing phase and after some time I tend to pick myself and will get back to good, but words can make me better. If I don’t get words from my dear ones I look upon you so
I just ask you (inner voice) and you are my best critic too, hence I shall always be grounded by your words"

The Voice got frustrated and said" Enough man, you are bugging, I guess you would have bugged people also by your talks and that’s why they don't prefer talking to
you" I said for supposedly the last time" True in a way, but I have seen people who
never speak that much to me but still feel good about me, and for few people they love listening and with few others I just don’t speak, just keep listening to them, hence its about being compatible and flexible with the people I meet, its tough, but instead of expecting them to change, I would love to change so that even they can change sometime for the better. It’s leading by example you see rather than accepting my inability and not trying to change.

The voice being adamant asked “How do I say this with surety?”

“Well that’s what is called my gut instinct , that’s enough for me, if I feel good inside, that will be fine, in a true Metallica way 'Nothing else matters' coz what matters is being healthy inside and automatically everything takes care of itself.”

Just when my mom called me for breakfast and very quickly I made a deal with my inner voice.

The voice eventually agreed and to an extent promised that he is going to be honest with his opinions inside me and I promised him, as long as he is honest in giving his opinions, I shall remain honest and translate his honesty into my daily life.

Mere Pass Ma Hain

Have you ever experienced the worst moment of your life? If yes, then what it is??

For me it was the night of August 29^th, a Sunday, 1999. All my cousins from paternal side had been to Balmuri falls, few kilometers from Srirangapatanam, near Mysore.

I had my tests the next day at school. Initially I was very reluctant but finally said yes, a hesitant yes, which I would probably regret later. I had taken my book along with me; somehow I didn’t enjoy the journey.

I was being incipient on that day, while all my cousins were having nice time. I don’t know, but I was having a stuffy feeling right from the day started.

First we went to Ranganatittu, a bird’s sanctuary. The boat ride along the island was something I enjoyed partially.

Even though things around me were so fun oriented, my feelings were somewhat astringent. All day long, I thought I was nervous about my tests tomorrow and that I haven’t prepared at all.

But this was not the first time. All I can say is I was very much artless that day and few of my cousins could sense that I was not all in the mood.

However earlier, one of my sights was RV College of Engineering while we were traveling, all my cousins were praising about the college. I told to myself, I hope one day, I study here.

Coming back, one of my cousins started involving me with respect to arranging things so that the whole trip goes without any hiccups.

The whole day, family around me, were being facetious to every situation they encountered. Hence there was laughter all round; still I was disjointed from the whole group even though I was physically present.

Finally sometime in the afternoon we all reached Balmuri falls. I am scared of water, in the sense by the depth of it.

I am still naïve when it comes to swimming but I am actually stepping into water whenever opportunity presents nowadays.

That day, I was held by my cousin Manju to walk across the stream, one who involved me in the trip planning activities that day so that I get involved.

I was wearing Naveen’s (another cousin) shades. I, advertently, dropped them into the water. He was so pissed. He and his brother (Nannu) tried retrieving it. It was in vain.

I was being morose at this point of time. All I wanted is to go back home and sleep.

Finally at 930 in the night we reach home to see one of our shocking sights ever. My mom and her face fully swollen, left hand covered with plaster and legs badly injured. My eyes were in tears and I just couldn’t believe something like this can happen to my mom.

She is one lady whom I respect for being independent. She never depended on others and for the fact that she had and still sets high standards in discipline; at any cost she is never gonna compromise in this regard.

Doc Report said, she had a twist in her hand and the left hand had become numb. She was not able to lift her left hand completely. Hence for the first time, she was not able to ride and few days later, doctor advised not to ride vehicles. It was a huge setback for my mom; she represented the lady who could do anything without depending on others. Riding her kinetic was her passion. Much to her dismay, it was the last day she ever attempted, its too painful mind you, even trying.

Next thing, I got to know was, she met with an accident while she was crossing the road. My mom was supposed to undergo an operation on one of her organs later next month, and to her fate the doctor’s appointment was scheduled on Sunday, hence she had to opt out of trip.

She had a hit and run incident and luckily one of her friends saw my mom on the road and admitted her to the hospital.

8 years from that day, I still feel a sense of discomfort when I think of this day.

The operation later that month became even more painful and it was tough mentally for all of us in the family. Last year in 1998, I got to know why my is such a powerful lady in the education board and just when I started developing a special bond with my mom, this happened.

Thank God, the operation went well in spite of her being unconscious for some time in the ICU. Initially we were all worried later I thought, she would be fine and become much better, after all there are still lots my Mom has to give to the society. If not us, she will definitely try making our society a better place with respect to education and children's upliftment.

After that day, I always made a special effort to keep my mom happy even when I don’t agree with her totally, I try doing things which makes her feel happy. You know something, I never felt unhappy because she never demanded things to go her way and all I had to do was, just listen as to what she says, even though it might hurt my ego sometimes, just listen…. Analyze, and in the end, I always got to know as to who was right. It was certainly not me.

One best thing about all this is, she never forced me to do anything and whatever I have asked so far, she has always given me a chance to do what I wanted as long as I did it whole heartedly.

In hindsight my mom doesn’t feel bad about her accident, all I can say is, it just made us a bit closer. Incidents like this make a relationship much stronger and for me, I am just destined that I am born to this lady.

True, that in 1975, this line became a famous hit from the movie Deewar, when Shashi Kapoor gives back a reply to Amitabh’s question and this is the one he gives: “Mere Pass Ma Hain” when asked “Aaj mere pass building hai, bank balance hai, tumhare pass kya hai?”

We might laugh when we hear this line on TV when made into spoofs, but deep down its so true and when incidents like this happen, even though I didn’t describe it in full detail, all other things becomes less important and the lady becomes our priority.

Buddha Mil Gaya

I was on my Wild West trip to Udaipur and other cities nearby. Ultimately I was so stuck with the scenery I saw in Udaipur, I didn’t feel like seeing any other city in Rajasthan. After a day of visits to city palace, Lake Palace, there was something I was missing. I didn’t mind traveling alone, infact it was great. Udaipur is full of lakes,

On our way to Mount Abu, we saw the setting of a famous song in QSQT; I wished my dear friend was around to experience the feeling alongside me.

But none could match the beauty of Gurshikar, the highest point of Mount Abu, which I was about to see in some time.

The walk we took was like a walk in the clouds, literally it was. I was accompanied by Raj and Nitin, whom I got to know from Raj. Both are from Udaipur and surprisingly, it was Raj’s first outing to Mount Abu as well.

We reached Mount Abu, at around 10:30 in the morning.

This was the entrance to Mount Abu.

Getting soaked in the clouds was something new to us, and it was hard to dissemble our feelings on experiencing such a thing.

After spending few hours at the peak, we decided to go to another place called Achalgarah. Legend has it; it was the place once Pandavas stayed during their exile.

I was not feeling well, since I am scared of heights. But I did ring the bell at the highest point of Mount Abu. Later, because of my condition, I was hesitant to visit the temple. But inside me, I felt, let me go. It might get better.

We were letting off our footwear, just when a boy held me and told me, “Saab, Guide chahiye”. I was not interested and then he told me- “Saab, sirf das rupaiya”. I got a mixed feeling, "ok, It is just 10 bucks", I wondered.

Still I was not convinced as to what made me to hire him.

After our initial visit to the Shiva temple, we started our climb to the next place, the Jain temple.

Camera wasn’t allowed inside the Jain temple.

Next stop was a kilometer climb till we reached the peak of Achalgarah. It is a proclivity in me to know about a person whoever he or she may be. I make that extra effort in knowing them.

Name: Suraj, 12 years of age studying in 6^th grade at a school which is about 8 kilometers from his house. He was our guide.

I was asking him about how he goes about his daily life-“I go to school early in the morning, I return by noon and then I start earning by being a guide. My father earns through selling dolls and my mom makes them. My brother also studies in the same class even though he is 4 years elder to me”, he smartly replied.

Interesting, I said to myself.

He later shifted his thoughts towards the reality of life. He was telling, “To be good in life, its like climbing”, we did realize, since it was getting tough as we went up step by step. Déjà vu.

He looked a normal kid, who is 3 ft tall, carried an umbrella and more importantly the right words in order to keep the tourists like us in a jolly mood even when it was little tough physically to climb. He had a torn pair of hawai chappals, but had a good grip even though he experienced the occasional slip. His shayris were assuaging to our ears.

“Saab, life has its own fun; it isn’t easy but certainly not a difficult one”, he murmured

We reached finally after a 25 min climb, we were thirsty.

Flash, he gave us a bottle of water and said drink it, it’s pure. It was indeed, the most delightful drink I ever gulped in my life and I did wash my face with it. I was rejuvenated. I had symptoms of throwing up previously, it went away. I am not joking.

He asked me- “Saab, are u from England?” I told him, why son, am I not speaking good Hindi? He replied back-“I am confused, as to how come an English guy speaking such good Hindi”.

I told him, I am a South Indian and I come from Bangalore. I wasn’t surprised either when he raised his eyebrows when he heard the word “Bangalore”.

So there you are some people still don’t have an idea about Bangalore.

Later he started telling about people’s nature. How it resembled the animal food chain. There are predators who feed on innocent, lucky people are those, who escape the slaughter of these predators. Only time decides how lucky they are. But we must not feel bad for the innocent ones because it is a pleasure to lead a life, however short it maybe.

Well, we had a puzzled look. Enigma, well I heard it in history lessons in World War II chapters, this was nothing short of it.

Soon, it started raining, he said “follow me”, and he took us to a small stone cave where space was enough for four of us to cover.

This is the cave and it was ready so that we could sit in and take shelter.

Later Suraj took us to another cave which was very dark and he told a sanyasi does his meditation inside it. Well, we didn’t want to go fully inside.

Now few people know the fact that, I have a problem with heights. I am shit scared of heights. Just when I was realizing, something needs to be done for this boy, the whole fear went and I was looking down and never before I felt like this. I was walking as though, there isn’t any fear. Even on slippery roads, I was confident I would be reaching Bangalore and write an article on him. Thanks to him, I am writing now.

By now we were convinced as to why we were here.

While returning back, he slipped and for a moment we thought, oh god, but he is a God’s gift, nothing can stop him from reaching greater heights than the peak of Achalgarah.

He showed us his hut from the top and we hoped, this kid continues to enlighten many people in the future.

Five minutes, we were down.

It took us 25 min to climb and just 5 min to come back.

He explained-“There are short cuts and long roads in life, to learn something which is good, we must never hesitate to take the longer route. He asked, whether we were satisfied by taking the longer route or shorter route?”.

We didn’t answer that question but on personal terms we did answer it and kept it to ourselves.

Little Buddha, I called him, and destined that we were to get enlightened.

As his name tells, Suraj, his face resembled the brightness of sun and his eyes, never seen such powerful eyes.

At the top of Mount Abu, and behind me are the clouds not fog.

the clouds which covered us!!!

We didn’t want him to give money because they are poachers one being his elder brother.

We wanted to give him a nice pair of slippers so that he never slips again and continues to do the good work.

We didn’t find a shop when we got down, and already his brother started approaching us and told us to give him the money since Suraj was a kid.

We gave a 50 rupee note and told Suraj to buy himself a pair of nice chappals.

We told him that we trust him and he promised us he won’t misuse the money.

As soon as he got the money, his brother came running and tried to snatch it from him.

Suraj gave him a slap, and we just groaned at his brother, he was off running to save himself from further humiliation.

All 3 of us, looked at him for one last time, he gave a smile.

If I was still wondering as to why I chose him to be the guide, I would be a fool. Luckily I didn’t ask that question.

Off we went, and that’s it. It was 2 hours with him and 120 minutes of enlightenment.

I have heard Buddha and his guiding ways, well this time around I saw, in fact we all 3 sensed it.

My trip was worthwhile and for me I got a sense about how beautiful my life can become.

It was the attitude and he certainly did show me a broader sense of being alive and being purposeful in what I do.

Hope in India, we nurture such kids. I am not worried about him, as he is strong enough to take care of himself.

If I get a chance, I want to go back and meet Suraj; I hope talking to him many would have got their questions answered.

When I am low, I know where I would get my questions answered.

Koi Mil Gaya, Maloom nahin, Buddha zaroor mila .

A hunk/ hulk who found his Ferrari

I was being profligate when I missed many opportunities to realize a lot of things in me which could have made a difference. For not achieving what I could have, my feelings were astringent. I did realize my faults within me, when I felt bad once taking pleasure in noticing faults in others.

Me being very low after missing opportunities, I always used to turn to people around me because nothing from my inner voice was acceptable. It’s almost like stone walling it.

By the way this turned out to be another mistake. I always got an answer from others perspective. Very few situations provided me the exact facts. My mom was one who made me accept the bitter medicine and advised to be pragmatic than looking out for the perfect solution, which isn’t there according to me.

One of the things I was able to achieve was me not becoming more and more credulous about things I go through. Unless I was convinced totally, I would have never agreed on a personal front but more importantly started acquiring the art of appreciating others in the way they went about life and their thoughts.

The demeanour quotient in me seemed increasing and slowly I was listening more than talking. I found a new friend who was very shy but powerful when I went to him with any of my problems.

He always had one vision and was absolute recalcitrant in the decisions he took. He never forced me to believe his thoughts but he was always right. I used to have quibbles with him over certain things but more I was arguing the more I was getting convinced that I was wrong.

It’s my fortune to say, to have found a friend in him. But he keeps telling me even he is grateful to me to have accepted him. He keeps telling me I found him in a broken down position and fixed him. But the truth is he fixed me. And I guess in a way, we fixed each other too.

He is my only friend who is available anytime and never asks anything in return. Instead he just keeps telling me, as long as I fulfill what is good for our friendship, he doesn’t want anything else.

“All my life I had been looking for something and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself”

To me, he answered all my questions and my alacrity to know more about my life and life around me in general.

True to Samuel Johnson words, almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep. I was no different and I guess I am still no different.

I don't want to do things, which would attenuate my confidence at the end of it, Even though it means sacrificing temporary pleasures.

My friend is so shy that he never opens up to others except me. I was slowly becoming the representative of his thoughts. Slowly I was embellishing his every thought and it was visible to my friends circle. I could see a change in me and my friends whom I am with since childhood also felt the change.

I remember Shirley MacLaine quoting –

I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.

To be honest my friend had a great role in scripting a play for my life and the greatest quality I think I had was to trust him and I just did what he said. Sometimes I am so stupid that I don’t even think as to what is the impact it’s having on others. But I never felt acerbic while doing things in my life. However bitter moments do arise, but it’s the way you get out of it and still retain our friendship.

One thing is sure and certain; he is never going to make compromises hence he can be inimical critic. But a friend nevertheless.

One of the things I did was to express myself which was the only way of me introducing my friend to others.

Now, I never feel bad of showing my feelings, my pristine feelings or I don’t apologize for having showed also. Somewhere I feel when I apologize for my burst of pristine feelings, I apologize for the truth which is as good as losing my friend.

But I do apologize to people who are not close to me, since it’s bad on my part to expect them knowing me and accepting my behaviour.

To me, no one is greater than this friend because he never lets me separate from good friends and people that I have. All he does in a while, shows me who really are my pals and who aren’t.

If my creator wanted me to be otherwise than me, he would have created me otherwise.

And to end it all, Fanny Brice repeatedly kept telling-

“Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?”

Rocky's stronger, he definitely is!!!

How does it feel, when you are thrown out when you least wanted to??

I needed to figure it out as to what to be done next…

It s a lonely walk for a guy like me. I know my strengths and also my weakness. At least I am in the process of knowing more about it.

There will be people along the way helping you out, but you wouldn’t be taking help unless convinced, Convinced within ourselves.

Somewhere when I was walking, I did realize one of the most important lessons of my life, if I needed to be successful in what I want to do in life.

I didn’t or still don’t know a sure fire formula for success, but I got to know a sure fire formula for failure; trying to please everybody all the time.

The day I was convinced to learn this lesson, I felt a much happier person than what I was. It is not my fault for things which are not under my control and all I can do is hope for the best. That’s all.

People always call it luck when things go our way, rather than looking at things which were done, in a more sensible way than others.

Well, luck, it must be there, only when intent is there….

I do things wherein I keep asking myself: “Why do I want to do this? Is it just ego, is it going to be embarrassing?”

But like my idols say or my conscious ‘That’s what I am’. I have to be myself and be willing to stand in front of people and do what I believe in, because I am going to regret it if I didn’t.

Not doing what I want to do is worse than doing it, even if it is difficult and painful.

But the question of skills and talent comes into picture. Do we have it in us to do what we want to??

But we need to understand the message which is universal: What we lose in one part of our life, we can sometimes gain in another.

So what we lose in SKILL, we can make up for in WILL.

All we need is sheer determination.

I always get the feeling….

I can’t do it.

I can’t achieve what I want.

And then I keep telling this to myself…

I have worked hard and I am still working hard to achieve what I always dreamt of.

Yeah I been out there walkin’ around, thinkin’. I mean, who am I kiddin’? I am not even in the league of successful people.

I do get inspired and this is something I always wanted to hear when I was down and morose.

This is the inspiration….

“Yeah, that doesn’t matter. Cause I was nobody before. But my mind is not ready to accept the fact that I am nobody….”

But it is true…. I realized it…

I was thinking, it really doesn’t matter if I lose this fight in my life.

It really doesn’t matter if anything happens to me, because all I want to do is go the distance on the path I have chosen.

Very few have traveled or say gone the distance and have been successful. And if I can go that distance and you see if I am still standing at the end of it…. All I would say is

I’m gonna know for the first time in my life, see, I wasn’t just another bum from the neighborhood.

So what are my chances of succeeding??

Look, Einstein flunked out of school, twice.

Beethoven was deaf and Helen Keller was blind.

I think, I have got a good chance. At least I can give it a shot, my best shot.

Well, I guess this was in me, but I never discovered until I bumped into a character called

Rocky Balboa, my idol who’s gonna be there inspiring me whenever I need motivation the most.

As a child, I was fascinated by the boxing aspect of the movie…. Later in my life, I did realize the manner in which we both went about things in a very similar way, in the movie though.

As I watched the movie “Rocky” more and more, I just discovered a lot of things which inspired me to achieve what I wanted.

Anyone who has anger in them in one way or another or any regrets in their lives, like I certainly did, will empathize with the character.

It just gave me an inspiration to get myself out of these stuffy feelings of regret and sadness.

Rocky’s definitely gonna be stronger. At least with me though!!! And I hope it does help others as well.

Well, a must see, according to me.

Rocky(1976)

Life is beautiful!!!But What is beautiful???

Life is beautiful, but what is beautiful???

Is it, delighting the senses or exciting intellectual or emotional admiration?

Or many words like, aesthetic, attractive, better-looking, bonny, exquisite, fair, fine, gorgeous, graceful, handsome, lovely, pretty, picturesque, pleasant, pleasing, ravishing, resplendent, scenic, sightly, splendid, stunning, pulchritudinous … ok I am running short of words…

In any case, for things or people to appear beautiful, all of us use one of these words for our definition of the word beautiful.

In any case, beautiful things are meant to be relative, if not, there would be a certain degree of monotony in everyone’s life.

Its good to be different most of the times and sometimes it can be little boring.

And fair enough, the other way around.

Again it’s the difference in opinions which comes and generally creates contradictory feelings among everyone.

What I see, what I feel, appeals me or it need not appeal me, I call it beautiful or say not so beautiful, it is entirely my choice.

I don’t have to wait for people to compliment my thoughts to appreciate things which are beautiful to me.

Although it’s great to share similar feelings, but sometimes I don’t mind being a stranger in a No Man’s Land.

It doesn’t matter.

What I like, I like….. it

What people like, they like…. it

There will be similarities without which it is little tough to connect with people.

There are people whom I have met who like things because others like it too, there are people who like it simply because others don’t like it and there are people who like things because they like it……

I have seen things in my life which are beautiful and not so beautiful….

Well, it doesn’t matter, because not so beautiful things can appeal to some, at least one person in this world would enjoy that.

It’s a harsh statement but not far from reality.

So far, with my experience of existence on this earth, there would be lot of things that appealed me and continues to appeal me.

So it’s quite natural to express things which appeal to me….

Its lot different when I ask my friends, they have some things in common but there is a degree of propensity for their choices.

So this leaves us in a quite eccentric world…..

I like to aver to things which are “for my eyes only”…. Although it will be interesting to see from other “golden eyes”, but I better stick to myself and enjoy what I see and how I feel about things I see….. I do appreciate, if things look beautiful from other’s point of view.

Now for me Life is beautiful, and for the rest, let them think as to what is beautiful???

Run... Forrest... Run...

Run, Forrest Run….is the best line for me in the movie…. “Forrest Gump”.

According to me, this line starts the story and since then it tells the journey of a guy, who just did, what he felt like doing whole-heartedly….

This movie, opened up many such things inside me, the incidents that took place in the Movie are very versatile in it self. He keeps doing one thing or the other.

One of the qualities inside me, I got to realize, after watching this movie repeatedly.

The first time, I felt it was realistic because of the fact, money didn’t matter to do things the way you want. You need to back yourself and believe in one’s abilities.

Success may be in the form of peace or in the form of people’s trust, but it has always come to the people, who have followed their conscious truthfully.

I used to wonder seriously three years back, “Why people are so different??”

I have seen my friends wondering about this.

It was distracting when people tend to react differently from what one expected. In hindsight it was true from the other side as well. There is no end to this.

I thought all things must have an end. Well, exits will be there for those which have clear pathways, this behavior of me and the people are circular. It keeps going endlessly.

I got an answer.

• People who tend to criticize always.
• People who criticize partially,
• People who don’t criticize at all,
• People who bother about criticism,
• People who don’t bother always and
• People who just don’t bother about criticism.

Now this is being democratic, as long as I didn’t understand this fact, I had no rights to be a part of Indian democracy or for that matter, support for democracy.

Understanding the word ‘Democracy’ helped me gain a lot of knowledge in the way I went about reacting to people in different situations.

Now, I don’t feel bad in what I do in my personal life. Professionally we are supposed to adhere to certain disciplines but not at the cost of one’s pristine conscious.

Opinion differs and I am just giving my opinion here.

The day, I started loving myself, did things I always loved to do, Life started looking different for me. I realized all things in life must come to an end, because we aren’t immortal.

But memories aren’t. Hence I am writing this.

For me, when I set out to be myself, I was afraid of losing people I love the most. It did inhibit me for a while, later I backed myself by telling….

“The greatest tribute or respect I can give to my loved ones and my close friends and to this world is by being myself and doing things my conscious told me to do and to do it whole-heartedly. If they are my loved ones and close friends they would respect my point of view”.

I may not able to rule the world, but I can rule myself. I may not be able to push others, but I can push myself.

More importantly, I cannot be sweet and nice to everyone; I can be sweet and nice to myself. I am sure of the fact, if I am nice to myself, I can never hurt anyone, and it’s unfortunate if people didn’t understand this.

Probably they never will and that shouldn’t stop from me being myself. And I am not afraid of being myself and for my actions as long as my conscious is right.

Coming back, the movie gave me the realization that I am eccentric and I was quite comfortable with it. I believe everyone is!!!

I started running the lap of my life for the first time and trust me, except for few miles, I really enjoyed and I am still enjoying and will continue to.

People expect me to behave in a certain way irrespective of what I feel, including closed ones. I used to feel little disturbed when I didn’t get to speak to the person I wanted to at that particular moment. “Rajan, I am busy, I hope you understand”. That was enough, I appreciate it.

But some of my other friends weren’t clear as to what to say, but they expected me to understand them. No problems again.

People start avoiding because they can’t tell clearly that, they don’t want to talk to me, because they wanted to create a feeling within them, that’s gonna make me sweet and hurt me if they were frank. Strictly, it would be always; from their Eyes Only.

And others who wanted to talk but just cannot express or couldn’t express.

But most of them expect me to understand them. Many would deny, but truth is truth.

It was tough because I felt sometimes they were using me. After a long thought, I realized, hey, that’s me. Why feel bad for people using me, after all, if I am helpful for others then why should I worry even though I wont be having any personal gain, but satisfaction is, I am gonna be myself and that’s a gain for the little pain I went through.

But, being a novice mentally in this regard, sometimes I do call, but they still expect me to understand them and wait for them to call and I am supposed to receive it, when they are free.

Now, I accept calls from anyone at any situation. I shall never question them or remind them of their antics previously. I believe if I like talking to my closed ones and to anyone, I will talk and accept them anytime in any situation. I shall give them their space.

“Past is history, you learn from it, you can’t live in it”.

Now, I don’t worry that much about it. I have lot of things to do in my life but I am always available to people when they need me.

This is something I was, but I saw it in Gump, Forrest Gump…. I have the strength and patience to understand my closed ones and I do take hard measures to understand them because I love them and I respect them for the way they are.

I love and communicate even though I don’t get a feedback…. Because I love it...

Also, I always thought, I was a good wicket keeper and a good soccer goal keeper…. I follow the rule of being a keeper.

My job is expected to catch, no matter how tough a catch is or how tough a save is, ultimately I don’t get the reward for the catch, because I am expected to catch or save day in day out.

What if I dropped or gave a goal away, I get to hear, “You didn’t live up to our expectations, a bad keeper or a bad goalie”.

So I believe in doing my job whole heartedly just like a wicket keeper or a goal keeper in real life. I am expected to catch everything, but can’t drop any….. That’s ok, as I long as I am a wicket keeper or a goal keeper in real life and ready to do it whole heartedly.

To tell you, I am indeed....

Dedication to one of my favorite movie idol, who played an important role in answering questions of mine, when others didn’t or couldn’t.

To end it: "Do watch this movie"

His name is "Gump, Forrest Gump"