Meet My Inner Voice

End of a very good week, especially intellectual on personal terms and a good week at work too.

I discovered a lot of things about myself over past one week by introspection and how to improve things so that I can get the joy of seeing others around me happy.... if I am not all that happy.

Somewhere I was thinking, by being nice to someone else, is it me being selfish??
Then it confused me for a while, and then inside me, a voice kept telling
... "Do you feel bad about the way you behave in your life or say
any regrets",
I said "NO".....
"Do you feel bad when you do not get acknowledged for the efforts you have
put in", the inner voice asked me...
"I said, sometimes I do feel bad, because I really don't know whether
what I did was right or wrong and since there is no reply from the
other end, hence no feedback, so I get confused at times, I then go into the phase of introspection and actually I don’t feel that bad at the end of it, if its good, good, if its bad, scope for improvement"

Later the voice asked me" Do u feel at peace and joy when you see
others happy and being joy"
I said" Yes, sometimes I feel, the purpose of me being born is to make
others happy and seeing their smile and them being happy, I will be happy,
No doubts about that, making others feel comfortable and happy is my
driving force"

He asked me" What if you are trying to please people?"
I said" Oh I got it! It’s my instinct which drives to make others life
happy, as long as this instinct survives and receives proper fodder
for survival, it is gonna be ok..... Being a human, it is little tough
sometimes, but then the overall picture comes to my mind, I just think,
I shouldn't be bothered about trivial things, my life is gonna be
great in the path I am traveling now, all I need to do is stay where
I am and just move along the same road.

There will be many pot holes and speed breakers and many different roads, but it is entirely up to me to become aware of them so that I don't lose my way when I arrive
at a junction, this is where I will be meeting many beautiful and not
so beautiful people, there is something I feel I can do by being
myself, so that I can cheer other’s life for a moment when they
desperately need it, but they never asked for it.

The joy I get when I see others being happy, I feel content and if lucky they are gonna be my companions for the rest of my life, if not, its unfortunate that we
just met at a traffic signal or say at a junction or a pit stop.
There will be many such occasions where we all gonna bump into each other
and get a chance to review, if at all we can become companions again or we might not get a chance.

But sometimes, I thinking of a junction ahead than about the junction I am
at present is not all that good. One needs to enjoy one junction at a time
and then progress further, you never know, Kal Ho Na Ho.

But it’s worth giving a shot, there’s nothing to lose. By giving away
something of one’s is never losing, we lose things which were not at
all ours in the first place, but how superficially it appears all the
time?"

The voice said" Enough of your lecture man, when you know what
needs to be done then why you pestering me with such questions?"

I said" Just for kicks, that’s all..... To be frank it’s for a moment I feel I need someone who can comfort me with words and assure me that “everything is gonna be alright”, and make me understand the person I am, sometimes I lose track on such things and start thinking too much, that’s when the calming influence is necessary, but this is just a passing phase and after some time I tend to pick myself and will get back to good, but words can make me better. If I don’t get words from my dear ones I look upon you so
I just ask you (inner voice) and you are my best critic too, hence I shall always be grounded by your words"

The Voice got frustrated and said" Enough man, you are bugging, I guess you would have bugged people also by your talks and that’s why they don't prefer talking to
you" I said for supposedly the last time" True in a way, but I have seen people who
never speak that much to me but still feel good about me, and for few people they love listening and with few others I just don’t speak, just keep listening to them, hence its about being compatible and flexible with the people I meet, its tough, but instead of expecting them to change, I would love to change so that even they can change sometime for the better. It’s leading by example you see rather than accepting my inability and not trying to change.

The voice being adamant asked “How do I say this with surety?”

“Well that’s what is called my gut instinct , that’s enough for me, if I feel good inside, that will be fine, in a true Metallica way 'Nothing else matters' coz what matters is being healthy inside and automatically everything takes care of itself.”

Just when my mom called me for breakfast and very quickly I made a deal with my inner voice.

The voice eventually agreed and to an extent promised that he is going to be honest with his opinions inside me and I promised him, as long as he is honest in giving his opinions, I shall remain honest and translate his honesty into my daily life.

Mere Pass Ma Hain

Have you ever experienced the worst moment of your life? If yes, then what it is??

For me it was the night of August 29^th, a Sunday, 1999. All my cousins from paternal side had been to Balmuri falls, few kilometers from Srirangapatanam, near Mysore.

I had my tests the next day at school. Initially I was very reluctant but finally said yes, a hesitant yes, which I would probably regret later. I had taken my book along with me; somehow I didn’t enjoy the journey.

I was being incipient on that day, while all my cousins were having nice time. I don’t know, but I was having a stuffy feeling right from the day started.

First we went to Ranganatittu, a bird’s sanctuary. The boat ride along the island was something I enjoyed partially.

Even though things around me were so fun oriented, my feelings were somewhat astringent. All day long, I thought I was nervous about my tests tomorrow and that I haven’t prepared at all.

But this was not the first time. All I can say is I was very much artless that day and few of my cousins could sense that I was not all in the mood.

However earlier, one of my sights was RV College of Engineering while we were traveling, all my cousins were praising about the college. I told to myself, I hope one day, I study here.

Coming back, one of my cousins started involving me with respect to arranging things so that the whole trip goes without any hiccups.

The whole day, family around me, were being facetious to every situation they encountered. Hence there was laughter all round; still I was disjointed from the whole group even though I was physically present.

Finally sometime in the afternoon we all reached Balmuri falls. I am scared of water, in the sense by the depth of it.

I am still naïve when it comes to swimming but I am actually stepping into water whenever opportunity presents nowadays.

That day, I was held by my cousin Manju to walk across the stream, one who involved me in the trip planning activities that day so that I get involved.

I was wearing Naveen’s (another cousin) shades. I, advertently, dropped them into the water. He was so pissed. He and his brother (Nannu) tried retrieving it. It was in vain.

I was being morose at this point of time. All I wanted is to go back home and sleep.

Finally at 930 in the night we reach home to see one of our shocking sights ever. My mom and her face fully swollen, left hand covered with plaster and legs badly injured. My eyes were in tears and I just couldn’t believe something like this can happen to my mom.

She is one lady whom I respect for being independent. She never depended on others and for the fact that she had and still sets high standards in discipline; at any cost she is never gonna compromise in this regard.

Doc Report said, she had a twist in her hand and the left hand had become numb. She was not able to lift her left hand completely. Hence for the first time, she was not able to ride and few days later, doctor advised not to ride vehicles. It was a huge setback for my mom; she represented the lady who could do anything without depending on others. Riding her kinetic was her passion. Much to her dismay, it was the last day she ever attempted, its too painful mind you, even trying.

Next thing, I got to know was, she met with an accident while she was crossing the road. My mom was supposed to undergo an operation on one of her organs later next month, and to her fate the doctor’s appointment was scheduled on Sunday, hence she had to opt out of trip.

She had a hit and run incident and luckily one of her friends saw my mom on the road and admitted her to the hospital.

8 years from that day, I still feel a sense of discomfort when I think of this day.

The operation later that month became even more painful and it was tough mentally for all of us in the family. Last year in 1998, I got to know why my is such a powerful lady in the education board and just when I started developing a special bond with my mom, this happened.

Thank God, the operation went well in spite of her being unconscious for some time in the ICU. Initially we were all worried later I thought, she would be fine and become much better, after all there are still lots my Mom has to give to the society. If not us, she will definitely try making our society a better place with respect to education and children's upliftment.

After that day, I always made a special effort to keep my mom happy even when I don’t agree with her totally, I try doing things which makes her feel happy. You know something, I never felt unhappy because she never demanded things to go her way and all I had to do was, just listen as to what she says, even though it might hurt my ego sometimes, just listen…. Analyze, and in the end, I always got to know as to who was right. It was certainly not me.

One best thing about all this is, she never forced me to do anything and whatever I have asked so far, she has always given me a chance to do what I wanted as long as I did it whole heartedly.

In hindsight my mom doesn’t feel bad about her accident, all I can say is, it just made us a bit closer. Incidents like this make a relationship much stronger and for me, I am just destined that I am born to this lady.

True, that in 1975, this line became a famous hit from the movie Deewar, when Shashi Kapoor gives back a reply to Amitabh’s question and this is the one he gives: “Mere Pass Ma Hain” when asked “Aaj mere pass building hai, bank balance hai, tumhare pass kya hai?”

We might laugh when we hear this line on TV when made into spoofs, but deep down its so true and when incidents like this happen, even though I didn’t describe it in full detail, all other things becomes less important and the lady becomes our priority.